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Oct 2026
The Leadership Lens - Edition 16
Sharpen your view, elevate your impact—one edition at a time.
When a Performance Discussion Became a Conversation About Growth
For much of my early career, performance appraisal discussions followed a familiar pattern.
We would sit down, review the tasks and projects assigned to me, discuss what had been completed, what remained open, and what needed attention.
The conversations were useful—but largely technical.
Then I worked with a supervisor who approached the discussion very differently.
When we sat down for my performance conversation, I was prepared with my usual project updates. Instead, he told me something that surprised me.
"I already know how your projects are progressing. We discuss them throughout the year."
He wanted to talk about something else.
How was I doing?
What did I think about the organization and our team?
What kind of work interested me?
Where did I want to grow?
What were my aspirations?
And what opportunities could he help create for me?
I walked away from that discussion with a very different understanding of what a performance conversation could be.
It felt personal—not because professional boundaries had been crossed, but because my supervisor was interested in the person behind the performance. He wasn't simply assessing what I had delivered. He was showing an interest in becoming part of my growth story.
That experience stayed with me.
Years later, when I began leading teams myself, I consciously adopted a similar approach. I tried to move my one-to-one and performance discussions beyond tasks and deliverables—to understand how my team members were doing, what interested them, what they aspired to, and how I could support their development.
Many of my team members had considerably more years of experience than I did. Yet some of them told me that these conversations felt different.
They felt cared for.
That feedback stayed with me.
It reminded me that people are often more open to conversations about their performance when they know that the leader having the conversation is also genuinely invested in their growth.
And perhaps that is where courageous conversations really begin—not when something goes wrong, but in all the conversations we choose to have before it does.
Leading Beyond Authority
- Influence, Stakeholder Management, and Organizational Impact
Series 4/6 : The Conversations Leaders Avoid
Why Leadership Courage Often Begins with Saying What Needs to Be Said
Some of the most important conversations in leadership are also the easiest to postpone.
Giving difficult feedback.
Addressing poor performance.
Working through conflict.
Challenging a decision we disagree with.
Speaking truth to someone with greater authority.
We usually know when such a conversation is needed.
The difficulty is deciding to have it.
We tell ourselves:
Perhaps things will improve.
Maybe this isn't the right time.
I don't want to damage the relationship.
They may take it personally.
What if the conversation becomes confrontational?
And when the other person is more senior:
Is this really my place to say something?
These concerns are understandable.
But avoiding the conversation doesn't make the underlying issue disappear.
It simply allows the issue to continue without a conversation.
And over time, the cost of silence often becomes greater than the discomfort we were trying to avoid.
Why We Avoid Difficult Conversations
At first glance, avoiding conflict can appear considerate.
A manager may hesitate to tell a team member that their performance is falling short because they don't want to discourage them.
A colleague may avoid addressing behaviour that is affecting the team because they want to preserve the relationship.
A leader may remain silent about a decision they believe carries significant risk because challenging someone more senior feels uncomfortable.
The intention may be good.
But leadership requires us to distinguish between being kind and being comfortable.
Sometimes the respectful thing to do is to say what needs to be said.
This is particularly true with performance.
If someone is struggling, postponing feedback may actually be unfair. While the manager quietly becomes increasingly frustrated, the employee may continue believing that everything is fine.
By the time the issue finally appears in a formal performance discussion, the employee wonders:
"Why didn't anyone tell me this earlier?"
That question should make every leader pause.
Feedback should rarely arrive as a surprise.
Don't Wait for the Difficult Conversation
My experience with my supervisor taught me something I understood more fully only after becoming a leader myself.
The best preparation for a difficult conversation happens before the conversation becomes difficult.
If our only meaningful conversation with someone occurs when something has gone wrong, even well-intended feedback can feel like judgement.
But imagine a different relationship.
Throughout the year, a manager asks:
How are things going?
What are you finding difficult?
What are you learning?
Where would you like more responsibility?
Here's something I've noticed. How do you see it?
How can I support you?
Now feedback becomes part of an ongoing dialogue rather than an annual verdict.
This doesn't remove the need for difficult conversations.
It changes the environment in which they happen.
There is already some trust.
There is already dialogue.
There is already evidence that the leader's interest extends beyond today's performance problem.
That is why care and courage are not opposites.
Care does not mean avoiding difficult feedback.
Sometimes care is precisely what gives us the responsibility to provide it.
Courage + Clarity + Respect
When a difficult conversation is necessary, I find three principles particularly useful:
Courage – Say What Needs to Be Said
Courage doesn't mean being fearless or confrontational.
It means being willing to address an important issue despite the discomfort involved.
A leader who continually postpones difficult conversations often transfers the consequences of that avoidance to everyone else.
The team compensates for poor performance.
Colleagues work around unresolved conflict.
Risk remains unchallenged.
Resentment quietly accumulates.
Leadership courage begins with deciding that the conversation matters enough to have.
Clarity – Make the Issue Discussable
One reason difficult conversations go badly is that leaders sometimes enter them carrying conclusions rather than observations.
"You aren't committed."
"Your attitude is becoming a problem."
"You're not demonstrating leadership."
These statements invite defensiveness because they interpret the person rather than describe the issue.
Clarity asks us to separate what we have observed from what we have concluded.
What happened?
What was the impact?
What expectation was not met?
What needs to change?
The clearer we are about the issue, the less need there is to make the conversation about the person's character.
The goal is not to make the person uncomfortable. The goal is to make the issue discussable.
Respect – Leave Room for Their Story
A courageous conversation is still a conversation.
That means the leader must also be prepared to listen.
There may be information we don't have.
There may be pressures we haven't understood.
There may be a legitimate disagreement about what happened.
Or our own interpretation may simply be incomplete.
Respect means entering the conversation with a clear perspective while remaining curious enough to hear another one.
It is possible to be firm about expectations and still ask:
"How do you see the situation?"
"What am I missing?"
"What made this difficult?"
"What support would help you move forward?"
Directness and empathy can coexist.
In fact, strong leadership often requires both.
When the Difficult Conversation Is with a Peer
Conflict between peers creates another challenge.
Neither person has authority over the other.
When priorities collide, it becomes tempting to defend our own function, gather supporters, escalate quickly, or quietly work around the other person.
But disagreement itself isn't necessarily unhealthy.
Operations, Finance, Safety, Projects, HR and Commercial teams are supposed to see problems through different lenses.
The question is whether leaders can surface those differences without turning disagreement into personal conflict.
Sometimes the most useful opening is surprisingly simple:
"We seem to be seeing this differently. Can we understand where our concerns differ?"
The objective isn't to eliminate disagreement.
It is to prevent disagreement from becoming avoidance, politics or resentment.
When Courage Means Speaking Upwards
Perhaps the most difficult conversation is the one where the power equation isn't equal.
What happens when you believe your boss—or someone significantly more senior—is wrong?
What happens when a decision carries a risk that others appear willing to accept?
Speaking truth to power doesn't mean challenging authority for the sake of demonstrating courage.
Nor does it require dramatic confrontation.
It means understanding when professional responsibility requires us to raise a concern respectfully.
Instead of:
"This decision is wrong."
A leader might say:
"I understand what we're trying to achieve. There is one risk I'm concerned we may be underestimating. May I share my perspective?"
The message has not been diluted.
But it has been made easier to hear.
That distinction matters.
Courage is not measured by how forcefully we speak. Sometimes it is measured simply by our willingness to speak when remaining silent would be easier.
Courageous Conversations Are Built on Relationships
There is a natural connection between the themes we've explored in the previous editions of this series.
We build trust before we need it.
We seek to understand stakeholders before trying to influence them.
And we create relationships where honest conversations happen before difficult issues force them to happen.
None of this guarantees that every conversation will go well.
Leadership isn't that predictable.
Someone may disagree.
Feedback may still hurt.
Conflict may remain unresolved.
A senior leader may reject our perspective.
Courageous leadership isn't measured solely by whether the other person accepts what we say.
It is also measured by whether we were willing to bring an important issue into the conversation with courage, clarity and respect.
A Leadership Lens Reflection
Think about the conversations currently sitting quietly on your leadership agenda.
Perhaps there is feedback you have been postponing.
A performance issue you hope will resolve itself.
A disagreement with a colleague that neither of you has properly addressed.
Or a concern you haven't raised because the person who needs to hear it is more senior than you.
Ask yourself:
What conversation am I avoiding?
What am I afraid might happen if I have it?
What might happen if I don't?
How can I bring greater courage, clarity and respect into that conversation?
And perhaps the most important question:
Does this person know that my intention is not simply to correct them—but to help create a better outcome?
The supervisor who changed my perspective on performance conversations taught me something that has remained with me throughout my leadership journey.
People need feedback.
They need accountability.
They need leaders who are willing to address difficult issues.
But they also need to know that behind the conversation is a leader who genuinely cares about their success.
Courageous conversations need courage. The best ones also come from care.
And sometimes, the conversation we are most reluctant to have is precisely the conversation our leadership requires of us.
A COOL RESOURCE - The Courageous Conversation Planner
Difficult conversations rarely become easier by postponing them. Whether it is giving honest feedback, addressing poor performance, resolving conflict, or challenging a decision, the quality of the conversation often depends on how thoughtfully we prepare for it.
The Courageous Conversation Planner™ is designed to help you pause and organize your thinking before stepping into an important conversation. It helps you clarify your intent, separate observable facts from assumptions, understand what may be holding you back, and prepare through three essential lenses—Courage, Clarity and Respect. It also provides space to plan how you will open the conversation, listen to the other person's perspective, agree on a way forward, and reflect afterwards.
Use it whenever you find yourself thinking, “I know I need to have this conversation, but I'm not quite sure how.”
Because courageous conversations aren't about winning. They're about making important issues discussable while preserving dignity, trust and the possibility of a better outcome.
Because sometimes, caring enough means being willing to speak.
In our Next Edition - Creating Alignment Across Teams
Great ideas rarely fail because one team lacks capability. More often, execution becomes difficult when functions pursue different priorities, interpret success differently, or operate within their own silos.
In the next edition, we'll explore what leaders can do when delivering results depends on people they don't directly manage. We'll look at cross-functional leadership, why alignment doesn't require complete agreement, how to create shared ownership across organizational boundaries, and how leaders can influence without relying on authority.
Because effective collaboration isn't about getting everyone to think alike. It's about helping different teams move towards a shared outcome.
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Until next time,
~ Amazing Coach Sri
Transforming Lives through Coaching
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